I believe I am ready...I am now finally ready for the new adventure and new season God has placed before me. YEAH. It's still hard, and this may be my last update for a while cause I think God needs to work a lot out in me. But on another note, I think He's leading me to a new church plant (<6 months) in new orleans...a very missions-minded church, which I am thankful for, especially as He's been softening my heart for the poor and homeless. I will be slowly transitioning and serving there as He leads. And I am thankful for many who beared with me through prayer and were testimonies of the Lord's grace, kindness, and patience during times where I just blew them off, or acted out of selfishness and pride...yeah, I'm human. I've been in New Orleans, LA for almost a month now. Since God has blessed me with a job that gets every other Friday off...tomorrow is my off day, and allows me to spend extra time just "Sabbath"-ing on Thursday night and Friday. It's been interesting to say the least. Everything is totally new... a new culture a new job a new climate a new "home" a whole bunch of new people a whole bunch of new info a whole bunch of new responsibilities a whole bunch of new professional 'stuff' a whole new context to die in HIM and be raised with HIM ^ that's what I've been experiencing...dying in many ways..yet, resurrected into His glory and righteousness. It's painful, but oh so humbling and sweet to experience redemption and grace in even the little things, His faithfulness and love unfailing. When I got here, I had these expectations for myself. I wanted to jump into things..to serve God, to be strong in my faith, to minister, to be this and be that for God, to be positive, to be fighting, to be "all that [I thought] God wants me to be." I wanted to beee all these things and when I found myself completely broken and unable to, crushed by the weight of my empty and prideful pursuit for self-righteousness and self-glory, being born from a heart saturated with selfish ambition and self-centeredness, I became frustrated with myself...despairing in all the ways I have fallen short. And I asked myself: WHY am I so messed up? Why am I the way that I am? (essentially, I feel like I was asking...why am i fully human? haha) Here's a few freeing things I am learning the past week or so (only beginning to scratch the surface of them) 1) "This happened so that the work of God might be displayed in [my] life." (John 9:3) Jesus was not so much concerned about who sinned (the man himself or his parents) that caused the man born blind at birth to be blind. Instead, He was concerned with His glory. All that God allows to happen is so that we can be objects of His mercy and glory, displayed for the world to see. God allows me to be blinded by my selfishness time and time again, SO THAT He can be glorified when and as He changes me. IT's all about God...being God-centered...my existence and the new life I received in Christ has it's purpose solely for the Glory of God, not myself. 2) The need and importance of community. So, I was planning (already got the disclosure form and paid my non-refundable $200 security deposit) for my move next Monday into a new apartment 2 blocks away from work. There's this sister who went to Cornell and she's moving into a 3-bedroom house with another sister in Christ who works at Shell (co-laborersss)!!! There's a vacant room in the house. It's 3 miles from work. The rent is HALF the amount of the other place I had chosen. They offered and asked if I would like to move in with them when I was looking for housing almost a month ago. I declined. I was set on doing "my own thing," being comfortable in my own little bubble of self-seclusion and independence. But then, this past week, this sister challenged me with really wanting to know what was the reason I did not want to stay with them. That actually totally caught me off guard cause I never actually thought about the underlying reason for my decision. I justified to myself and God that by living in the central business district (where the one-bdrm apartment is), I will be able to serve my co-workers by providing a place for people to hang-out and build relationships. But, as I began to speak, and justify, and share, sorting through all of my thoughts (and if you ever talk to me, they are typically all jumbled up)...I think the real reason finally came out...after 30 minutes of practically nonsense, I finally said, "I think I just want to live by myself." And boom, silence. Right when I said that, I felt the Spirit totally convict me. Like completely made me change my mind. Two are better than one. Carry each other's burdens and in this way fulfill the law of Christ. And at that moment, I realized I need to stop living on my own and being so independent, especially in my walk with Christ. It's time to be in community. Her response, "Oh okay, that's a good reason. Yeah, you should do what is best for you." AND BOOM, again. I felt so convicted. God prodding at me saying, "No, you don't do what is best for YOU, do what is best for Me and My Kingdom, and My Name, and My people... Because THAT is what is best for you...(john 14:21)...I AM best for you" 3) I'm learning it's okay to not be "doing" and there are seasons where God wants to do something different in and through me. This was freeing to read. Excerpts (yes, again...I read slow) are from Joyce Meyer's The Battle Belongs to the Lord: "As I have studied the Bible, I have learned that most of the men and women whom God used greatly had to go through some silent years. This was a period of time in their lives when God seemed to hide them away while He worked in them and made changes in their character that would be necessary for their future assignment. They entered into these periods of time one way and came out transformed. For example, Moses was a man who felt the call of God on his life, but he had been taking matters into his own hands. He saw one of his brethren, a Hebrew, being mistreated and killed the Egyptian mistreating him. God did not lead Moses to take this action; he acted emotionally. His heart attitude might have been right - he did not want to see innocent people mistreated - but his timing was wrong. When his actions were discovered and he was confronted, Moses fled from Egypt in fear, another action God did not direct him to take. We can see from this one example that Moses was impatient and fearful, character traits that would need to be removed before God could do the great thing with Moses He had planned. Moses fled to the desert and there spent forty years. The Bible does not give a detailed account of those years; they were apparently years in which things took place between God and Moses that were private and probably painful. Moses had left everything he was familiar with, his family and friends. I am sure it seemd to him that he was moving away from what he felt called to do. Little did he know that he was being prepared for it. When Moses went into the wilderness, we might say that he was "full of himself." He was self-assured, self-confident, and self-acting. When God appeared to Moses in the burning bush and told him he was chosen to lead the people of Israel out of bondage, we see a totally different man. Now he was so humble, so broken, that God had to get angry to get him moving in faith (Exodus chapters 2-4). The Bible says in Numbers 12:3, Now the man Moses was very meek or above all the men on the face of the earth. Just imagine, he had gone into the wilderness full of himself and his plans, and he came out the meekest man on the face of the earth. Meekness is not weakness; it is strength under control. He had strength previously, but it was not controlled. He was emotionally driven, but now we see a different man... Genesis 12 teaches us that a man named Abram was called by God to leave his family, his home and all he was familiar with and go to a place God would show him. Just imagine - he left everything, not even knowing where he was supposed to go. As a result of his radical obedience, God made some very radical promises to him - promiese of blessing, wealth, fame, leadership, descendents and so on. God entered into covenant with Abraham, telling him that if he would believe, it would be counted unto him as right standing with God, and he would be taken care of in every way. Abraham believed God! Not just for things, but through things. Abraham was believing God for a child that would be his heir, but he had to believe God "through" some difficult and lengthy things before he saw the manifestation of the promised child. You might say that those years of waiting were his "silent years." During those years we also see Abram taking action that was not God-inspired when he followed his wife's advice and took her concubine to be his secondary wife. They were tired of waiting for the promise, so they took matters into their own hands. She became bregnant by Abram and gave birth to Ishmael. Although Abram loved Ishmael, he was not the promised child and eventually brought great pain to Abram and difficulty into his life... After Jesus' birth, except for His circumcision and dedication in the temple in Jerusalem when He was only eight days old, we read nothing more about Him until He was twelve years old. Then from the time He was twelve years of age until He was about thirty years of age, almost nothing at all is recorded about Him. All the Bible says about Him during those silent years is that He grew and increased in favor with both God and man. The statement "the child grew" says a lot. The passage of Hebrews 5:8,9 teaches us that He learned obedience through what He suffered, and His completed experience made Him perfectly equipped to become the Author and Source of eternal salvation. In His humanity Jesus had to learn, to grow, to suffer and gain experience, just as we do. He never sinned as we do, but He has gone before us as our Pioneer. He goes first and we follow. He shows us the way to victory. The only way out is through! We cannot run from difficult things; we must face them confidently, knowing God is by our side and will never leave us or forsake us. Even when we don't feel His Presence, we know He is with us... If you are troubled and upset, worried and worn out about all the changes that need to be made in you, why not enter the rest of God? Struggling won't change you - neither will frustration or worry. Stop warring with your own flesh all the time. Enter the rest of God and say, "Lord, I can't change myself. If You can't change me, nobody can. I place myself entirely in Your hands, and I wait upon You to make the changes that You know need to be made in me. Father God, I not only trust Your ways but Your timing as well." The process of metamorphosis is going to hurt. Let it hurt. The more you fight it the longer it takes and the worse the pain seems. A pregnant woman trying to give birth is always told to relax and breathe. Each pain that comes brings the actual birth closer, but with each pain, she is reminded to relax and breathe. Even though change hurts, it is better than living in constant misery and discouragement. Let God do whatever it is He needs and wants to do in you"
Yeah...uhhh, congrats if you read through all this, haha. Goodbye!
It's been so long since I have met You here Since I have said these words or cried these tears And like a child would come I run into our secret place And as the music fades, the tears are rolling down my face I am alive in this moment In this moment I am found I am alive in this moment In this moment I belong It's been so long since I have met You here Since I have heard You speak or let You near And like a wayward son I've come with nothing left to hide Here in this moment I have come to offer up my life...
-"Alive in this Moment" by Starfield | 
